It's 2017, and you're leading the fight with your organization against the wrongs perpetrated by the left. Your oddly orange candidate has won the election. The White House is looking pretty white, indeed, and your president is keeping a spare toothbrush in Fox News’ apartment because things are getting that serious between them.
The gays are scared, the Muslims are panicked, and your giant wall might actually become a reality.
Yes, the months you spent campaigning for the big winner have paid off. You can put away your "Get off your rump and vote for Trump!” shirt for at least another three years and just bask in the glory of being an American.
But you can only bask for so long. There’s work to do! Lots of it. Sure, the best guy – the very best; you’ve never seen a better guy – is in office, but those snowflake Liberals are being so whiny about it. They’re taking to the streets in numbers far higher than were seen at your president’s inauguration.
(I mean, if you listen to those fake news agencies, which you don’t because Fox is your bae.)
But even though it was only a very small, annoying group of protesters in, like, a couple of cities, they still got a lot of attention. Liberal media loves to blow things up like that, don’t they?
The problem with these protestors – women, mostly, because they just don’t know when to let things go, amiright? – is that they’re trying to dismantle all the fine work the Great Lea—sorry, the President – is doing.
Don’t they get it? All he wants is to save America!
Well, most of America.
Not the gays. If you give them too much, they’ll take it all. I mean, just look at Fashion Week.
But especially not those transgender people. You don’t even think they’re real. Why don’t folks understand that?
Hey! Maybe that’s what you could do. You could, like, get together with a bunch of organizations who also don’t support trans people and you can make sure everyone knows that!
By… by… Hang on… Oh! There’s the idea! (Thank you, Jesus!)
You and your buddies from various “Christian” (we're going to use that term loosely) organizations can acquire and paint a bus. Yes. A giant orange bus, because orange is the colour of the man you elected, and orange is the colour of free speech. Well, it is now, because that’s what you’ve decided.
So you take this giant orange bus, and you write some spiffy information on it like “Boys are boys… and always will be” and “Girls are girls… and always will be” and then you can prove that trans people are giant fakers. That trans kids are just confused and/or want to upset you by using the bathroom you don’t want them to use at Target because it matters to you for some reason.
You’re tired of that damn community having a voice and getting help from the rest of the snowflakes! You’re tired of them whining about wanting the same rights as everyone else, when clearly your right to decide they’re not real is more important! You’re tired of having to share the world with people who are different than you! It’s so hard. It's so complicated.
This bus, with its flashy Hansel & Gretel cut-outs and its hashtag about free speech is going to fix everything as it drives around your great country.
It’s totally worth the money, because the overly simplistic messaging will undoubtedly spark an important conversation about gender identity. When they see it, everyone who once believed trans people by talking to actual trans people and learning actual science from real scientists doing credible studies are going to tear off their Bernie Sanders bracelets in shame and immediately unfollow Laverne Cox’s Instagram account.
And because you’re making free speech a part of the campaign, you can’t go wrong. Who doesn’t love free speech?
Yeah, the Cheetomobile is going to crush it.
Once the Bigot Bus reaches its final destination, you can go back to your nice, simple life, where you understood everyone because they are exactly like you. Isn’t that the best? When you don’t have to consider the feelings of others? That’s the way God wanted it. That’s why He made busses and orange paint.
Except…. Oh, dear. There’s a little problem.
That stuff about "biology" and the "chromosomes"? Unfortunately, there’s a fair bit of science to shut down your outdated arguments. And that stuff doesn't have to do with gender, anyway, which has been well established in the scientific community for a good while, now. But maybe if you get a big megaphone and shout over the facts, that might work. I know a certain politician who does that all the time.
Oh, and I know more than a few trans people who've told me they are who they are... and they can't change that. That's why they came out in the first place, so they could live as who they really are. They're not "switching" genders.
If your aim is to discredit the trans community, I have some bad news for you. Between your shoddy science and iffy slogan, this campaign could have used a little more work. Too bad the bus has already left the depot, eh?
But hey, don’t let me stop you from enjoying your nationwide bigotry tour. This is your moment to really shine! In many years from now, your grandkids will look at history books and see your proud face as you rally around that bus, actively denying other people’s existence and refusing them rights in the name of making America great again.
You, in the history books! Just like those people who protested when schools were no longer segregated and water fountains became something everyone could use. Except you get a flashy bus that your future grandchildren can be embarrassed about. And a hashtag to commemorate the hate!
So have fun. And If you don’t know where to put that bus when you’re done with it, I have a suggestion for you.