Gay Agenda: December 6, 2016
6:30am: Wake up early enough to apply makeup and select cute feminine outfit. Everyone knows girls who love girls don't like lip gloss, but wars are not won without agents who blend in. Must fool the muggles.
7:00am: Drive transgender child to early appointment. Also need enough time to stop at fast food place for breakfast. Was told on Twitter how low quality foods are the reason she's declaring a gender other than the one she was assigned at birth. Since it turns out having a daughter is awesome and tweets are always science-based: breakfast sandwiches are a must.
8:00am: At orthodontist with kid. Satan probably made her teeth crooked, but there's a fix for that.
Cross out "FATHER" on intake forms and write "MOTHER #2." Politely suggest they look into more inclusive forms; a move which will undoubtedly lead to rapid decay of the traditional family.
Also make sure everyone knows to use the right names and pronouns for your child like the world owes her something.
(8:45am: Observations: Ortho staff seem kind, educated and supportive. Check to see if local queer sleeper cell has already infiltrated this location. No sense in redundant effort.)
9:30am: Strength training class. Because all ladies who dig ladies covet big muscles (rule book, P. 34, paragraph 3.) Make sure to do something subtle in change room to show queer presence like sing Tracy Chapman songs in shower and towel off with pride flag.
11:00am: Grocery store. Don't forget eggs.
SPECIAL NOTE: Makeup will have worn off at gym. Do not blow your cover! Place yoga mat and a minimum of two pumpkin spice-flavoured items in cart to avoid detection.
12:00 pm: Lunch. Chicken and kale salad. With the little cranberries. The dismantling of all wholesome values this country was founded on takes effort! Make sure you get enough protein.
1:00 pm: Work. Must save up to buy new gay agenda in January. Hoping to order special vintage edition, dipped in MIke Pence's tears on the day "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was repealed.
2:15 pm: Send text with string of rainbow hearts to wifey. Discuss dinner, which will include hummus (obviously.)
3:30 pm: Welcome queerlings home from school. Ask how day went. See if they shared their liberal ideas with other children like they're supposed to. The gay don't spread itself.
5:30 pm: Serve Dinner. With hummus (obviously.) No salad for trans family members, but will offer them extra MSG.
6:00 pm: Write and send out Christmas cards. Delightfully imagine how upset this must make some people. NOW WE'RE ALL UP IN YOUR CHRISTMAS AND EVERYTHING.
7:00 pm: Shopping mall. Resist buying plaid. Keep therapist's number handy in case the temptation becomes too much.
8:30 pm: Day is nearly done. But first, tuck in kids, make lunches, watch TV. Remember: Practice is key! Act like typical, traditional family (ignoring the fact both adults in it appreciate boobs.)
11:00 pm: Bedtime. Good job today! Societal collapse surely imminent. Any day now. Make sure celebratory plaid dress is ironed and ready to go.
Say prayers to David Bowie before lights out.