I have tried all week to be funny, in between dealing with an annoying cold, many a gremlin fight, and being in a wedding party on the weekend.
I've tried all week to summon up my creativity - because there is quite a lot of it in there - and be the awesome Maven you all know and love. I want to tell you about Spawnling's best friend Mr. Pumpkin, his freak out in the book store yesterday (it topped the library), Gutsy's excellent progress in immersion and the enlightening moments of living with a male preteen.
And yet over a week has gone by with nary a post. Why is that? I've asked myself this question several times. I'm a member of a 12 step program, after all, and self-examination and reflection are pretty much mandatory if you don't want to fall off the sobriety wagon and stagger into Captain Morgan's Tavern.
After thinking about it all day, I've reached a conclusion: I'm angry. And I need to tell you why. I've gone back and forth between wanting to say something and wanting to say nothing at all, but it's time I came clean. After all, this has affected some of you.
So, we're going to take a one day break from my usually hilarious rants and ramblings. Just one day, ok? And then I'll be back to my usually scheduled programming. Sharing this will help me feel better, and since I'm pretty into myself that suits me just fine.
Some of you may remember a post I wrote a few months ago about a friend who was sick. Terminally sick with ovarian cancer, actually. Devastating news to hear about a friend, and worse still if you're a relative of that person. I've seen her family go through a great deal of strife over the realization that they were going to lose her some day. I also went through my own emotional hurdles, had my own crying fits, wrote her nice letters and went out of my way to make as much time as I could for her because, hey, we didn't have a lot of time left.
I didn't know what I was going to do without her in my life. I wrote about her in my blog and I read, along with many of you, about her strength and her courage. I watched her video diaries to her kids and wondered how her children would go on without her. It was tragic on so many levels.
Then, another turn, tragic in its own way: we found out, quite suddenly, quite unexpectedly, that she apparently never had cancer.
Take that in for a minute. I know I needed to. Actually, it took me days to really mull it over and weeks to accept as fact.
What made it worse is that she didn't come clean of her own volition. Her family reached out to her, then, when they felt they had no choice, to her loved ones, including me. Eventually, the lies started to unravel. Eventually, she confessed to a select few - I being one of them. Her blog had been deleted months before, and she shut down her Facebook account shortly after it all came to light.
Why am I angry? A few reasons. Like a hurricane, she has left a huge path destruction in her wake. So many people stumbled out of the wreckage of her lies bewildered, overwhelmed and hurt. So many people continue to be hurt as a result of the choices she made. That makes me angry.
She accepted money, gifts and support from strangers and loved ones alike, who only wanted to help her. Who believed her and hurt for her and her family. That makes me angry.
She pretended to have a disease that many people are dealing with. That other people close to me have gone through. That people close to me have died from. Name one person who doesn't have a loved one who's been affected by cancer; who's entire life hasn't changed because of the disease. I see people like Jacob and Laurie and Jen who are truly struggling with a terrifying illness, and I think it's a huge slap in the face to them and others. That makes me angry.
She was my friend. A real life friend. A friend I had a falling out with and who I reached out to nearly three years ago. Who I grew close to again. Who I thought I knew. Who I had many coffees and laughs with. Who I went through mutual pregnancies with. Who I told some of my deepest, darkest secrets to. Someone I cried for, hurt for, felt life isn't fair for. I kick myself for getting involved again. I should have stayed away. I'm upset with myself for not picking up on this sooner. I'm upset that this all came to light not two weeks after Spawnling was discharged from the hospital, and that my already fragile emotional state was driven near the breaking point. It's taken me this long to be able to write it out and admit that yes, I am angry. That this makes me really fucking angry.
Is there some mental illness involved? I'm not a professional so I won't jump to conclusions. I have done some research and I have spoken to professionals to try and gain some insight into what, exactly, happened over the last six years. I'll keep my thoughts to myself. All I know is that, no matter what the reason was, I am angry. And how am I going to let go of it? This is how I'm doing it.
See, part of it is guilt. Guilt for reaching out for support from friends and family when I was struggling with her impending demise - that they were so concerned for her, too. Guilt for dragging my readers into an imaginary world, even if I didn't know it was imaginary. I feel bad that so many of you were worried for her and have asked me about her. I need you to know that I believed it too, and that I feel like a sucker. I need you to know that I am not in contact with her anymore and haven't been since I found out it was all a lie. I still speak to a handful of mutual friends but am very happy to be in another part of the city enjoying the controlled chaos that is my life. Because we all know I barely control the typical chaos as it is. Our friendship will not recover from this. I will not be able to trust her again, no matter what. I have lost my friend, but in a different way than I anticipated, and I do mourn that loss.
So there you have it. I think I can let this go now and move on. Part of getting rid of resentment is refocusing my energy on something positive. So, I send out good vibes to all of you who are struggling with cancer or other serious illnesses, whether directly or indirectly. I've put a lot of this nervous energy into Spawnling's recovery from Kawasaki, his appointments and every day management. And I appreciate all the more the fantastic group of friends I have around me, who have helped me process two very unexpected situations in a ridiculously short amount of time. And to my readers who are always commenting, emailing, following and reminding me that there are good people in the world. Thank you.
And now we are done. And I shall go make dinner.
And tomorrow I shall discuss the transvestite stuffed animal.
No, seriously.
I've tried all week to summon up my creativity - because there is quite a lot of it in there - and be the awesome Maven you all know and love. I want to tell you about Spawnling's best friend Mr. Pumpkin, his freak out in the book store yesterday (it topped the library), Gutsy's excellent progress in immersion and the enlightening moments of living with a male preteen.
And yet over a week has gone by with nary a post. Why is that? I've asked myself this question several times. I'm a member of a 12 step program, after all, and self-examination and reflection are pretty much mandatory if you don't want to fall off the sobriety wagon and stagger into Captain Morgan's Tavern.
After thinking about it all day, I've reached a conclusion: I'm angry. And I need to tell you why. I've gone back and forth between wanting to say something and wanting to say nothing at all, but it's time I came clean. After all, this has affected some of you.
So, we're going to take a one day break from my usually hilarious rants and ramblings. Just one day, ok? And then I'll be back to my usually scheduled programming. Sharing this will help me feel better, and since I'm pretty into myself that suits me just fine.
Some of you may remember a post I wrote a few months ago about a friend who was sick. Terminally sick with ovarian cancer, actually. Devastating news to hear about a friend, and worse still if you're a relative of that person. I've seen her family go through a great deal of strife over the realization that they were going to lose her some day. I also went through my own emotional hurdles, had my own crying fits, wrote her nice letters and went out of my way to make as much time as I could for her because, hey, we didn't have a lot of time left.
I didn't know what I was going to do without her in my life. I wrote about her in my blog and I read, along with many of you, about her strength and her courage. I watched her video diaries to her kids and wondered how her children would go on without her. It was tragic on so many levels.
Then, another turn, tragic in its own way: we found out, quite suddenly, quite unexpectedly, that she apparently never had cancer.
Take that in for a minute. I know I needed to. Actually, it took me days to really mull it over and weeks to accept as fact.
What made it worse is that she didn't come clean of her own volition. Her family reached out to her, then, when they felt they had no choice, to her loved ones, including me. Eventually, the lies started to unravel. Eventually, she confessed to a select few - I being one of them. Her blog had been deleted months before, and she shut down her Facebook account shortly after it all came to light.
Why am I angry? A few reasons. Like a hurricane, she has left a huge path destruction in her wake. So many people stumbled out of the wreckage of her lies bewildered, overwhelmed and hurt. So many people continue to be hurt as a result of the choices she made. That makes me angry.
She accepted money, gifts and support from strangers and loved ones alike, who only wanted to help her. Who believed her and hurt for her and her family. That makes me angry.
She pretended to have a disease that many people are dealing with. That other people close to me have gone through. That people close to me have died from. Name one person who doesn't have a loved one who's been affected by cancer; who's entire life hasn't changed because of the disease. I see people like Jacob and Laurie and Jen who are truly struggling with a terrifying illness, and I think it's a huge slap in the face to them and others. That makes me angry.
She was my friend. A real life friend. A friend I had a falling out with and who I reached out to nearly three years ago. Who I grew close to again. Who I thought I knew. Who I had many coffees and laughs with. Who I went through mutual pregnancies with. Who I told some of my deepest, darkest secrets to. Someone I cried for, hurt for, felt life isn't fair for. I kick myself for getting involved again. I should have stayed away. I'm upset with myself for not picking up on this sooner. I'm upset that this all came to light not two weeks after Spawnling was discharged from the hospital, and that my already fragile emotional state was driven near the breaking point. It's taken me this long to be able to write it out and admit that yes, I am angry. That this makes me really fucking angry.
Is there some mental illness involved? I'm not a professional so I won't jump to conclusions. I have done some research and I have spoken to professionals to try and gain some insight into what, exactly, happened over the last six years. I'll keep my thoughts to myself. All I know is that, no matter what the reason was, I am angry. And how am I going to let go of it? This is how I'm doing it.
See, part of it is guilt. Guilt for reaching out for support from friends and family when I was struggling with her impending demise - that they were so concerned for her, too. Guilt for dragging my readers into an imaginary world, even if I didn't know it was imaginary. I feel bad that so many of you were worried for her and have asked me about her. I need you to know that I believed it too, and that I feel like a sucker. I need you to know that I am not in contact with her anymore and haven't been since I found out it was all a lie. I still speak to a handful of mutual friends but am very happy to be in another part of the city enjoying the controlled chaos that is my life. Because we all know I barely control the typical chaos as it is. Our friendship will not recover from this. I will not be able to trust her again, no matter what. I have lost my friend, but in a different way than I anticipated, and I do mourn that loss.
So there you have it. I think I can let this go now and move on. Part of getting rid of resentment is refocusing my energy on something positive. So, I send out good vibes to all of you who are struggling with cancer or other serious illnesses, whether directly or indirectly. I've put a lot of this nervous energy into Spawnling's recovery from Kawasaki, his appointments and every day management. And I appreciate all the more the fantastic group of friends I have around me, who have helped me process two very unexpected situations in a ridiculously short amount of time. And to my readers who are always commenting, emailing, following and reminding me that there are good people in the world. Thank you.
And now we are done. And I shall go make dinner.
And tomorrow I shall discuss the transvestite stuffed animal.
No, seriously.