Since I'm such an expert on parenting, I thought it would be in my readership's best interest if I were to ask some questions that could be on the exam in my future parenting classes. It would give all my loyal visitors a head start on the course and they wouldn't have to miss out on any frat parties because they're too busy cramming for exams.
Imagine the travesty of missing the spring kegger. Horrific! (Unless you're me and you avoid keggers altogether for obvious recovery-based reasons...)
So, without further ado, here are some practice questions:
Describe all four phases of how The Maven, parenting diva, would deal with a tantruming six-year-old when they're both exhausted and she's trying to do the fifth manual load of dishes of the day because the stupid dishwasher is stupidly broken.
Phase 1. The Maven tries the calm approach by physically getting down to the child's level and lovingly but firmly telling him he needs to stop. She places a hand on his shoulder and rubs his arm while he screams loudly enough to make her eardrums want to drink cyanide. Like, if they had mouths. She cradles him in her arms and strokes his hair softly while she tells him it's alright, he just needs to calm down.
Phase 2. If he doesn't stop screaming because his previously embryonic self absorbed every ounce of genetic stubbornness from both his parents, she decides she needs some space and tells him that she's going to go to a quiet place so she can breathe and hopes that he'll calm down as well.
Phase 3. If he chases her down, still screaming, she keeps walking as she breathes very deeply and attempts to see any colour but red; preferably mauve with maybe some rainbows and unicorns floating around in the mauveness.
Phase 4. If the six-year-old whacks her on the back of the leg with all his might because he's not getting what he wants, The Maven, mother supreme, stoops to her son's level in a whole new way by screaming louder than he can and threatening to throw his precious laptop (a 10-year-old Apple with some missing keys and a broken hinge) in the garbage if he makes even one more peep. He goes to time-out quietly.
It works. The Maven wins.
(Did everyone get that? It might be a good idea to take some notes.)
Question 2: What would The Maven recommend you do if you had confirmed via email a meeting at the school with a woman coming from out of town to talk about your gremlins' hearing needs?
Well, first of all, don't write it down anywhere, especially on something useful like a calendar. Just make a mental note of it and tell yourself you'll remember because it's obviously too important to forget. Then have a few things break in the interim, like a furnace and dishwasher, and throw in several friends in crisis and in need of your advice and support, and voila: Twenty minutes after you're supposed to be at the school you'll get a phone call saying "Did you forget about me?" and you can stammer and apologize and make excuses and just generally feel really craptastic about the entire thing.
3. What should you do if your children have been cooped up inside the school all day because it's bitterly cold outside, are in foul moods, are throwing tantrums and/or crying about nothing and/or falling off of things and hitting their faces on tables, and you've been rather forgetful?
It's obvious you all need a nice healthy meal. Preferably something homecooked. But the day has sucked for you, the mom, and you know that example of putting your own oxygen mask on before your baby's? It's time to use that card and use it well. The Maven would recommend you throw steamed veggies to the wind and order some extra cheese pizza and pop. That's how we amazing parents roll, yo.
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Thus concludes our lesson for the day. I thank you all for coming and hope that you will gain some valuable information from this session. It's not every day I impart wisdom of this magnitude, but it's truly my hope that everyone can shine as bright as I do when it comes to raising their children. Step up and be the best parent you can be. And, when all else fails, eat an extra slice of pizza and have a nap on the couch.